Goodbye, California.

This might be a stupid idea.

We leave tonight, so predictably, the endings have gotten pretty intense. On Friday night, I said goodbye to my sister while sitting in a booth at a crowded restaurant in North Beach. I'd already said goodbye to her when I went down to LA two weeks ago. I was fine then, maybe a little numb or just better at pushing my feelings down deep. Her work schedule changed and she came up here for a few extra days together. Saying goodby this time, my feelings burst forth.

I ugly cried while making direct eye contact with an unsuspecting twenty something hipster taking a bite of cacio e pepe pizza. I closed my eyes to make things less weird and when I opened them again, more tears poured out. By then, the hipster was looking away and taking a big grip of his natural wine.

The endings have been surprising me- some endings make me feel nothing at all. Some endings open floodgates.

Nothing at all: Walking out of school (work) for the last time. 

I turned in my key and gave everyone hugs and was weirdly fine.

Floodgates: Deleting my work email from my phone. 

I absentmindedly open my email app on my phone and toggle to my work email, as I always do- always have done- probably 2 thousand times a day, but now it just says "checking for mail" until the text switches to "Account Error." It's not an error- it’s an ending.

I let that error message pop up for a full week before I went into my settings and deleted the account. Then I started crying. Who am I without my work email?!

Nothing At All: Driving Away from my house in San Rafael.

Fine. So happy to be done with the manual labor of moving. Happy that we found tenants and a property manager we trust. All good!

Floodgates: Driving over the Bay Bridge into The City on my way home from our storage facility. 

Since we moved to Marin, I'm mostly a Golden Gate Bridge Girl. I think about my luck every time I drive over it; how seventeen-year-old me imagined living in the Cool Gray City of Love, being busy with friends and a career, and a loving partner." “I did it!" I think. I swear to you.  I think this to myself every time I drive over that beautiful bridge. 

But the Bay Bridge was my first love. I spent 11 years driving from San Francisco down to LA to visit my family over that Bay Bridge. On the way back, I'd be road weary, thinking about what I'd be teaching the next day and what I could scrape together for a work lunch. Sophie, the beagle, would be in the backseat, her leash jammed in the door for safety, paws up on the armrest because she knows we're close to home. And then we'd cross Treasure Island and the city would be shining. The Coca Cola billboard twinkling. And I'd be home. This beautiful city is my home!

I'll admit it feels stupid to be leaving this place, these people that I love so much. To have quit a job at a school that made me proud. To say goodbye to the friends and family that make my heart full. But thank god for this feeling of stupidity- I'm so lucky to have so much to say goodbye to. And I'll be back soon enough.